The Tooth Farm
by Alba Aulbath
Summary: Lina tries to grow a tooth farm after an accident with using the Ragna Blade.


**Disclaimers and Useless/Useful Stuff To Know:**

Don't own Slayers. Never will. Wish I did. Thanks goes to my brother for helping me come up with this crap. For those who don't read **Slayers SILENCE**, you won't get **one** joke in this fanfic. So go read it. ...Please? 

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**The Tooth Farm**   
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Once upon a time there were three pigs, and Lina Inverse skinned an' ate 'em to work up her appetite so she could be prepared for a banquet at Seyruun, where people all over the place that Amelia knew were invited, including princes, princesses, or a little in between in the case of Miwan. 

So, the self-proclaimed sorcery genius and her jellyfish sidekick arrived at the palace, immediately starting to stuff their faces and ignoring whatever else went on around them. Once they were filled and happy, it was time for remeeting their friends as they always did. 

"Haven't found my cure yet," Zelgadis stated. 

"Uh-huh," Lina replied, picking a something in her teeth. Damn. What was stuck there? 

"I like coffee," he continued. 

"Yep." It was really bothering her. 

"I hate everyone." 

Lina frowned. "Sheesh! This is getting on my nerves!" She yanked a wire hair from Zel's head and tried using that as a toothpick, but whatever it was did not want to come out. "Screw it! RAGNA BLADE!" With that, she used the black magic spell to pluck away the offending piece of food. 

Zangulus rolled his eyes. "Do you have to use that for everything?! First it's to turn on the light switch, then to cut your bread, now a toothpick." 

"I can't count how many times you used the Howling Blast," Lina pointed out. "Sheesh. It was neat the first time, but over and over..." 

"That's different!" 

Gourry held up a finger. "Hey, Lina; your teeth are gone!" 

Lina blinked. How so very true; her Ragna Toothpick dissolved all her teeth. 

"AARRRGH!! Now I have to get my food prechewed!" Lina howled. 

"Maybe you could grow a tooth farm!" Gourry suggested. 

And so Lina agreed because like hell she'd get someone to chew her food for her. 

Zelgadis observed her tooth farming skills. "Lina, I don't think you water the tooth." 

"Why not?" 

"I just don't. Maybe you should fertilize it first." 

Lina paused at that idea, then glared. "You want me, an innocent beauty, to throw crap on my teeth?!" 

"You'll never grow them the way you are now." 

Lina grumbled. "Can I pay you to do it?" 

Zelgadis crossed his arms, like he usually did. "How much?" 

"A silver an hour!" 

"A gold." 

"Five hundred silver!" 

"..." 

Lina growled. "Fine. A gold an hour." 

Zelgadis nodded. "All right, I'll get started." 

So the chimera did. Meanwhile, Lina was inside of wherever she was drinking lemonade. Gourry was trying to be a stand-up comedian for the past hour. 

"Hey, Lina!" Gourry called. "What do you call a girl's blade? A BROOAAADsword!" 

Lina glared at him. 

"What do you call a woman's blade? A BROOAAADsword!" 

"That's the same joke," Lina pointed out. 

"What do you call a lady's blade? A BROOAAADsword!" 

Lina fumed. "GOURRY! That's the same joke!" 

Assuming Lina didn't get it, Gourry rolllllled his eyes at her and turned to someone else to tell the joke to. "Hey Zangulus! What do you call a girl's blade? A BROOAAADsword!" 

Naturally, the other swordsman laughed at it. 

"I can still hear the joke!" Lina complained. 

Gourry went for something a little different. "What do you call a harlot's blade? A bitchsword!" 

Lina was in awe for a moment. "That doesn't even make sense!" 

Gourry snickered. "That's what's so funny!" 

Just then, a cat from the outside had leapt in and started to attack Zangulus's head, biting and gnawing and chewing. 

"GAAHHHH!!" 

Everyone stared. "Don't see that everyday," Amelia stated. 

Alas, the poor Xoana king ran around, trying to get the damn cat off his head. He managed to when Jillas just happened to be coming by for no good reason, tripped, threw a bomb, and it exploded on Zangulus and blew the cat onto the floor. The cat was invincible however, because you see it was the special Chaos Demi-God Kitty of Doom who runs through your ravioli when you're not looking and likes to attack brunette males, AKA Avalon, who is also known as the author's cat. 

Avalon hissed and ran into Zangulus's foot for no good reason. Said swordsman swore and tried to get away and sit down, but that damned Chaos Demi-God Kitty of Doom took his seat almost immediately. 

Then Gourry decided to tell another joke. "What do you call a man's armor? ChainMAAAAALE!" 

"GOURRY!" 

Three days went by, and the cat became worse. She slept on his paperwork, clawed all his belongings, got on the table during dinner time, and knocked over random stuff. Besides, the teeth didn't grow. 

"Damn!" Lina growled. "I can't live with applesauce all my life!" 

"Unless it was a dragon made of apples," Gourry suggested. 

"What...?" 

Just then, a dragon made of apples fell through the roof, tripped on the cat, and died. 

"YAAAY!" everyone cheered. 

Then the cat ate it. 

"NOOO!" 

"That stupid cat! I'll teach you a lesson!" Lina screamed. She dragged the cat behind her with a tail, and when she came back, she had the cat's teeth. 

In the end, the tooth farm wasn't a success, Lina had to pay en extra seventy-two gold to Zelgadis for his work, but now her food was much more fun to chew. However, no one noticed because she always had fangs in the first place. 

For plus, she sold a toothless cat to someone. 

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As usual, this was freaky. Oh well. I'm sorry I always bring in Zangulus, but... I can't... control... myself... I love him about as much as everyone does to Zelgadis. Don't get me wrong; everyone's great, but I just enjoy Zang and Jillas the most. Hm... should write a Jillas 'fic... Yeeeaaaah... 

A BROOAAADsword! 

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Alba Aulbath   
_berry@adelphia.net_


End file.
